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So You Just Found Out You’re a Political Dissident



You likely have an American flag hanging from your front porch or maybe a Trump sticker on the back glass of your pickup. Probably you think you’re an upstanding American patriot tired of seeing his country go to seed. I regret to inform you that after events on January 6th, 2021, you are now viewed as a terrorist and traitor to the United States by both the government itself and your fellow citizens. The FBI is currently trying to arrest hundreds of Americans that rallied around the outgoing US president and marched into the Capitol Building without permission. Let me be crystal clear, the Feds are trying to bury these “mostly peaceful protesters” under the penitentiary with major charges that amount to something like an organized conspiracy to overthrow the US government. I cannot exaggerate enough just how serious the FBI is taking this, already elderly women have been dragged out of airports in handcuffs for their alleged participation in the Washington Trump rally.

Remember those “libtards” with “Trump Derangement Syndrome”? Their party is now in control of the country and they are absolutely frothing at the mouth to see you jailed, tortured and killed for your political beliefs. To help you adjust to this new reality, I’ve created a handy crash course in what your life must be now.

1. Accept reality. 
No amount of good faith, honest intentions, or patriotism is going to save you. There were protestors in the capitol that chanted “America First!” while draped in American symbols and those naive souls are now getting handcuffed by FBI agents. Get this through your head, being a conservative American patriot is now officially worse than belonging to a Muslim terrorist organization. You can yell about the obvious hypocrisy of locking up American protestors with the full weight of the Federal government while BLM gets to literally burn down police stations and take over city blocks until you go blue in the face, but no rampaging army has ever ceased operations because the losing side called them hypocrites. If you are conservative/rightwing and white, you are The Enemy. The government will hold you to a double standard and your fellow citizens will do anything in their power to destroy your life.

While you might not have legally done something wrong, your liberal neighbors and coworkers are going to try to have you fired from your job and record every move you make. There’s blood in the water and those “libtards” are circling like frenzied sharks.

2. Delete your social media.
There is no point in using Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram or any other mainstream social media website if you are an ordinary citizen trying to survive. These platforms can only hurt you. Antifa and activist liberal types will screen-cap everything you post and send it straight to the FBI if you express rightwing political views online. No more ranting about Democrats, “stolen elections” and for God’s sake do NOT type “stop the steal” into a status update. You could even find yourself facing conspiracy charges just for being on the friends list of someone that got drunk and typed a bunch of crazy stuff on the internet one night. Delete your social media, and have your family and friends delete theirs. Be sure to invent some casual excuses for this, like mental health, the environment, a new appreciation of reading Marxist literature, something other than “solidarity with Donald Trump.”

Trust me, you want to be out of sight and out of mind with these leftwing lunatics.

3. No gun talk.
Do not discuss firearms or be public about owning them. Do not display guns, do not open carry, do not give anyone reason to think you own one if at all possible. No late nights on gun-forums talking about AR-15 builds, no water-cooler discussions of pistols, keep your mouth shut. You have the wrong politics for gun-ownership and you had better believe the US government would LOVE to lock you up over the tiniest gun violation they can find. “Patriotic gun-owner” = “armed terrorist” now. 

4. Blend in.
Under no circumstances should you discuss your real political views with coworkers, strangers, or anyone that isn’t 100% onboard with your perspectives. Remove anything remotely associated with Trump and be sure to take down any American flag symbols you have too. American flags identify you as some kind of conservative terrorist; people that want to destroy your life know good and well what that flag means. No bumper stickers, flags, T-shirts, or any outward sign of your political inclinations at all, period. 

In fact, I advise you to purchase LGBTQ stickers and BLM flags. Put these on your vehicle and your chances of getting your car vandalized will go down immediately. Police will also treat you with more deference. If you have some moral hang-ups about this then just read the story of Havel’s greengrocer.

5. Cops are not your friends.
Do not talk to cops. Definitely do not ever under any circumstances talk to America’s Secret Police, the FBI. Anything you say absolutely will be used against you. That “thin blue line” rhetoric is suicide, you are a political dissident, the police forces are there to put their boots on your neck. Ashli Babbit was killed in cold blood by a cop, the police will not hesitate to use lethal force on you, because you can’t apply any political pressure on them whatsoever. If you are approached by a cop refuse to answer questions and contact a lawyer immediately.

6. Reinforce social ties.
By all means build close connections to trusted family members and friends. Learn how to use encrypted chats on your phone and devices. Delete the social media but work on real relationships. You don’t have to join far-right dissident circles, but you do have to build a network of people that can help you in real ways as things in the United States get worse. None of this “out with a bang” rhetoric either, you’ll get the rest of us in even more trouble if you do something stupid.

These tips should get you started, I welcome you to your new life as a paranoid member of an oppressed political group, be sure to stay informed with our samizdat information service and keep your head down. 

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